His Plan

So how would I start this? This is the part where I suck the most, tsaka pala sa title.
Jason Mraz’s I Won’t Give Up

That’s exactly how and what I feel right now. Yup, we’re both hurt at some point but that doesn’t mean I have to give up what we have. I don’t want to sound cheesy and stuff, gusto ko lang ilabas lahat ng nararamdaman ko right at this moment.

For those people who know who I’m referring to this post, good for you kasi you can relate..
I know not all relationships are perfect. Lahat may kanya kanyang flaws and personal issues and mess na kailangan ayusin, and it’s up to them kung gagawin nila ang lahat just to patch things up or just leave it behind. Ako kasi yung type of girl na ayaw masayang yung kung anong nabuo before. Lalo na yung kung ano meron samin right now.. to be honest, I’ve waited for this moment to happen, yung merong “kami” talaga, FYI people, we’re not bfgf thingy okay? We’re not in a relationship or something, not even committed to each other at all. But the thing is, we’re both happy kung ano man ang meron samin. But the fact that things get messy, whether we like it or not, hindi talaga maiwasan eh. Dumating sa point na minsan hindi ko na din alam kung ano nagawa kong mali but for the sake of making things better, nagsosorry na lang ako kasi I really hate the feeling when we don’t talk to each other. Yung tipong, dinadaan daanan niyo na lang yung isa’t isa. Sabi niya din nga, minsan yung kaligayahan niya sakin na lang nakafocus, kaya pag nag-aaway kami, nawawala na siya sa concentration niya sa ibang bagay. Which is.. I think.. really “unhealthy” for our relationship, not as bg and gf but as.. I don’t know.. ayaw na lang namin bigyan ng label. Repeat process lang for how many times. I swear nahihirapan din ako. Napapagod. And sometimes I even think of giving up pero never did it came to the point where I had enough guts to tell him and myself na “ayoko na. Let’s stop this.” Then I realized na, “oo nga nahihirapan na ako, pero para naman sakaniya kaya worth it yung hirap.” I know, I know, ang baduy. Pero lahat naman tayo have limits diba? Hindi maiiwasan mapagod. Oo, napapagod ako pero hindi ako nagsawa. Minsan tinitignan ko na lang as “enjoying” yung pagod eh.

Kaso I think, the effort I put between us, wasn’t even enough to get us through with difficulties and stuff. Akala ko nung umpisa sisiw. Akala ko petiks lang. Akala ko everything will be alright, katulad nung sa mga movies. Akala ko it won’t come to an end kasi promises are already made. And akala ko, he’s dedicated as much as I am with “this thing”. Yun pala parang ako lang yung ready magsuffer. Ayoko na lang i-mention dito yung main reason, basta ang bottom line, it came to the point where he got tired of the same process we usually had. Iyak ako ng iyak kanina, hindi ko maiwasan magisip ng kung anu-anong bagay. Like, “siya pa may karapatang mapagod”, or “ako na nga tong nagsosorry” or blablabla.. but then I realized na in a relationship, wala dapat sisihan. Or ewan ko, I know I’m still immature to talk about things like this, pero I’m not a noob when it comes to such things. Alam ko din naman ang dapat at hindi dapat gawin. Yun nga lang minsan nahihirapan ako i-identify kung tama ba yun or mali. So, okay medyo lumalayo na ko sa point. Ayun nga, he told me that we’re both getting tired with the never ending process, hindi niya man sinabi straight to the point na he wants this to stop, I know that’s what he wanted to say. Or maybe I misunderstood things. I really don’t know kasi at that point, while I was talking to him, all I was thinking was how to save everything from falling apart. Kaso I wasn’t able because I’m having a breakdown that rough time. Ang gara pa kasi, parang he was about to give me another chance e kaso sinayang ko because of saying nonsense bullshits! Like comparing him to other guys, calling him names blabla.. I was hurt, I was crying, I almost can’t hear what I was saying! Tapos yun, boom! Sumabog na pala ako. That’s when he got pissed. So yea, basically, it was all my fault.

Medyo magulo I know. Siguro 3 hours straight ako umiiyak kasi naisip ko na sobrang sayang LAHAT. I’ve been waiting for him all along, binigay na siya sakin ni God tapos hinayaan ko pa siyang mawala ULIT. How stupid. It’s like.. lahat ng pinaghirapan mo nawala lahat sayo. What is tanga, please.

But you know what. I suddenly realized na sa pag-iyak ko, wala naman akong mapapala dun eh. Sa movies lang siguro mangyayari yun na habang umiiyak ka, babalikan ka ng mahal mo. But I’m not in a movie so why wait for a thing that I know won’t happen. At all. I prayed, asked strength from God, sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na ginagawa lang ni Lord exciting tong storya ng buhay ko, para may thrill naman. Ups and downs. But then, I’m that girl who won’t waste everything she’d put through.. siguro as of now time and space yung most effective thing to give him.. or even me. Time to think and space para kahit papano mapagisipan yung mga bagay-bagay. Pero you know, after crying real hard, naging okay din ako kaagad, I don’t know, maybe kasi nafifeel ko na hindi naman yun basta basta mawawala ng ganun ganun na lang. I know may pag-asa pa. Hindi ako umaasa, or what kasi that will lead to another heartbreak na naman, but I’M HOPING that one day.. marealize namin na kailangan pa din naman ang isa’t isa. Or no. Na hindi pa siguro ito yung tamang oras para saming dalawa. Tsaka, who takes love seriously at this young age?? Madami pa kaming pagdadaanan, and siguro it’s a test from God kung mageget through namin lahat. Kung malagpasan, edi good for us. Kung hindi, naniniwala akong may mas magandang plano Siya para saming dalawa. In the end naniniwala naman ako na magiging okay din ang lahat. Not expecting, though.

Bottom line is: I won’t give up on us. And I won’t let him be the one that got away. Kasi I’ve never been this contented ever before. Si God na ang bahala :)

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About Camille Ortiz

Manila-based Multimedia Arts student
This entry was posted in Friends, Love. Bookmark the permalink.

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