I have so many things on my goal list this year. As much as possible I don’t want to call it “New Year’s resolution” cause it sounds so cliché, “goals” sounds so more realistic. Anyway, I’ll try to make a separate blog about my list but right now I just want to focus on one thing since I want to make it my number 1 priority.
It’s one of the things I really have a hard time learning. I’ve always hated myself for so many reasons, although there are times I feel beautiful and there are times when I just don’t care anymore. I’ve attempted way too many times to feel beautiful; I tried whitening pills, diet pills, deprived myself from all the food I want to eat, had an eating disorder, exercised but eventually gave up. I always have that insecurity in me which drives me to do all crazy things just to for me to feel beautiful.
It’s exhausting, in all honesty. I keep comparing myself to all beautiful women I see and trust me, it didn’t help a single bit.
I want to change that mentality. For once, I want to actually feel beautiful about myself without having to compare myself to others. But at the same time, I want to take care more of myself by exercising more (for the goal of actually staying healthy NOT skinny or not because “I want to be as thin as her”), eating a healthy diet but not depriving myself, giving my body enough rest, wearing clothes and makeup that makes me feel sexy, etc. I want to spoil myself if it only means making me feel confident and beautiful about myself. I realized that maybe it’s time to give myself some love for the past years I’ve hated it.
It’s exhausting waking up and spending the day whining about how fat and unhappy I am because of the bulges whenever I sit down or the cellulites in my legs. It’s exhausting regretting all the yummy food I ate when in fact I really enjoyed it WHILE eating. I want to change that way of thinking to “oh how cute I have a bulge in my tummy but I’m on my way to a flat stomach I just have to be a little more patient”, or “damn my legs are thick AF!” or “damn that meal was delicious #NoRegrets”.
I’m trying my best to stick to that mantra and it’s wonderful how it can change my mood the whole day. Someone says I’m fat? No biggie I’ll just use that as my motivation to hit the gym more. Something like that makes a positive impact in my way of thinking and I love how it affects everything around me. I feel positive about EVERYTHING.
I guess that’s a great start. I know it’s not going to be easy but I’ll really do my best. I deserve some love from my own self, we all do.